On Shame and Guilt: From “I Made a Mistake” to “There Is Something Wrong with Me”

Recently, I had the pleasure of participating as a guest speaker at Psychological Conversations at the Museum, an event held at the Buzău County Museum in Romania. We discussed shame and guilt, starting from a distinction that I find particularly important: the difference between the experience of having done something wrong and the feeling that there is something wrong with who we are.

I decided to return to this subject in writing because shame and guilt are experiences I frequently encounter in my psychotherapy practice, although they are not always recognized or expressed as such. Sometimes they appear explicitly, when someone speaks about a behavior they regret or an aspect of themselves they feel ashamed of. At other times, we may encounter them behind self-criticism, perfectionism, difficulty asking for help, the constant need to prove oneself, or the tendency to hide certain emotions, needs, and vulnerabilities.

Shame and guilt are complex human experiences that have been studied and understood from different perspectives: psychological, social, cultural, anthropological, evolutionary, relational, and others. Each of these perspectives contributes something to our understanding of human experience, without any one of them being able to explain the full complexity of these emotions.

My intention here is not to offer an exhaustive theoretical account of such a broad and widely debated subject. Rather, I would like to share a few distinctions and reflections that I find relevant, drawing on the literature but, above all, on the questions and experiences I encounter in my psychotherapeutic work.

I am particularly interested in how we come to relate to ourselves through shame, how certain natural aspects of human experience can become unacceptable to us, and how our attempts to avoid shame can sometimes limit our freedom to remain in contact with ourselves and with others.

Shame and Guilt: Evaluating Our Behavior Versus Evaluating Ourselves

In psychology, shame and guilt are considered self-conscious or self-referential emotions. This means that they involve the capacity to reflect on and evaluate ourselves, our behaviors, and our experiences in relation to certain values, norms, or expectations.

These standards may come from our family environment, the culture and society in which we live, our relationships, or our own values and ideals. Some are consciously embraced, while others have been internalized throughout our development without ever being examined.

One of the most widely recognized distinctions between shame and guilt is that guilt tends to focus on behavior, while shame more often involves a negative evaluation of the self.

For example, when we realize that we have hurt someone, we may feel guilty about what we have done. We may acknowledge the consequences of our behavior, experience regret, reflect on what happened, and perhaps try to make amends. We might express this experience through statements such as “I did something wrong,” “I'm sorry for what I did,” or “I could have handled that differently.”

With shame, however, the negative evaluation may extend beyond the behavior to encompass the whole person: “I'm a bad person,” “I'm not good enough,” or “There is something wrong with me.”

This distinction matters because when we can separate our behavior from who we are, we can take responsibility without allowing a mistake to define our entire identity. We can acknowledge that we acted inappropriately, hurt someone, or have certain things we need to change, without concluding that we are fundamentally flawed.

When the negative evaluation extends to the self, however, the experience can become much more difficult to tolerate. It is no longer simply about what we have done, but about who we believe ourselves to be. And if we perceive our entire person as the problem, the possibility of making amends or changing something becomes less apparent.

Still, this distinction is not absolute. Shame and guilt can overlap, and human experience is rarely so clearly divided.

Someone may feel guilty for hurting another person and, at the same time, ashamed of what they believe that behavior says about them. On the other hand, we may feel guilty even when we have done nothing wrong, just as we may feel ashamed of aspects of ourselves that are not inherently wrong or deserving of condemnation.

So it is not enough to ask whether we are feeling shame or guilt. It is important to understand what exactly we are evaluating, which standards we are using, how much responsibility we actually bear, and what meaning the experience holds for us.

When Guilt Becomes a Burden

Although guilt can play an important role in taking responsibility and repairing relationships, it can become problematic when it is excessive, persistent, or disproportionate. Some people feel responsible for other people's emotions, family conflicts, their partner's unhappiness, or the difficulties experienced by those close to them.

Sometimes these patterns develop in environments where a child had to adapt excessively to the needs of adults, take care of their emotional states, or suppress their own needs in order to maintain relational stability. In adulthood, the person may feel guilty when declining a request, setting boundaries, resting, or choosing to do something for themselves.

Here, I think it is important to distinguish between actual responsibility and felt responsibility. Feeling guilty does not automatically mean that we have done something wrong. Similarly, the fact that someone is upset or disappointed by our choice does not necessarily mean that we are responsible for their suffering.

Of course, we may have a responsibility to communicate our boundaries respectfully and to consider the impact of our behavior on others. But this is different from believing that we must prevent every instance of dissatisfaction, disappointment, or discomfort in those around us.

Guilt can also arise following traumatic experiences, including situations in which the person had little or no actual control over what happened. Sometimes self-blame may represent an attempt to make sense of an overwhelming experience or to retrospectively regain a sense of control.

In such situations, exploring guilt also involves distinguishing between what the person feels they should have done and what they were realistically able to do under the circumstances.

Shame, Belonging, and Seeing Ourselves Through the Eyes of Others

Although shame is often associated with suffering, it is not an emotion without a function.

From an evolutionary perspective, shame can be understood in relation to our need for belonging and our sensitivity to social evaluation. We are profoundly relational beings, and acceptance, cooperation, and maintaining connections with others have played, and continue to play, an important role in human life.

Paul Gilbert, the founder of Compassion Focused Therapy and one of the researchers who has explored shame from evolutionary and clinical perspectives, has examined its relationship with social evaluation, status, and the risk of rejection or devaluation. From this perspective, shame may function as a signal that how others perceive us is under threat, or that we risk losing their appreciation, respect, or acceptance.

Sometimes this signal can help us reflect on our behavior and its impact on our relationships. For example, we may feel ashamed after behaving inappropriately in front of others. If the experience can be tolerated and integrated, it may contribute to self-reflection and behavioral change.

Things become more complicated, however, when we begin to feel ashamed not of what we have done, but of who we are, what we feel, or what we need. We may feel ashamed of our physical appearance, social status, financial circumstances, desires, sexuality, vulnerability, or the fact that we do not meet certain family or societal expectations.

In these situations, shame does not necessarily indicate that we have violated a moral value. Sometimes it reflects the standards and judgments we have internalized.

This is why I find it important to ask ourselves not only Why do I feel ashamed? but also How did I come to see this aspect of my experience as shameful? Who decided that it was not acceptable for me to have this need, feel this emotion, or be different from what others expect of me? Is this a value I genuinely identify with today, or a judgment I absorbed from the environment in which I grew up

These questions do not imply that all norms and standards are problematic. We need moral and social frameworks in order to live together. However, some of these standards can become rigid or contribute to the rejection of natural aspects of our own experience.

How Do We Come to Feel Ashamed of Ourselves?

Shame is not present at birth in the complex form in which we experience it as adults. It develops gradually, alongside self-awareness, the capacity for self-reflection, and the understanding that we can be seen and evaluated by others. Yet the development of shame is not merely a cognitive process. It is also a profoundly relational one.

Children learn about themselves, to a large extent, through their experiences with significant people in their lives. How they are seen, understood, accepted, criticized, or rejected contributes to the development of their representations of themselves.

For example, a child who makes a mistake and receives a response such as “It's not okay to hit. I understand that you're angry, but we cannot hurt someone” has the opportunity to learn that certain behaviors are unacceptable without feeling that their entire person is being rejected.

In contrast, when a child is repeatedly criticized or shamed through messages such as “You're bad,” “I'm ashamed of you,” “You're no good,” or “You're the only one who can't do anything right,” they may begin to associate making mistakes with their personal worth.

Of course, not every criticism or experience of disapproval leads to chronic shame. The relational context, the frequency and intensity of these experiences, and the presence of moments of repair and reconnection all matter.

In a sufficiently safe relationship, a child can discover that it is possible to make mistakes, feel angry, disappoint others, or have needs that differ from those of an adult without losing love and belonging.

On the other hand, when acceptance is frequently conditional upon performance, compliance, or meeting other people's expectations, the child may begin to believe that certain aspects of themselves must be hidden or changed in order to remain connected.

Over time, repeated experiences of shaming, criticism, or rejection can contribute to beliefs such as “I'm not good enough,” “I'm too much,” “My needs are a burden to others,” or “I have to be perfect to be accepted.”

What began as a relational experience may gradually become an internalized way of seeing ourselves. We no longer need someone else to criticize or reject us in order to feel inadequate. We begin to evaluate ourselves through internalized standards and representations, sometimes even when our current experiences no longer confirm them.

In these situations, shame may become a relatively constant background to our sense of self. A person may achieve important things, receive appreciation, and build meaningful relationships without these experiences fundamentally changing their sense of not being good enough.

Here we encounter what is sometimes described in clinical literature as chronic shame, internalized shame, or identity-based shame. The expression toxic shame is also used to describe these persistent forms of shame, although it is not a precisely defined diagnostic category.

Under these circumstances, shame no longer appears only as a reaction to a particular situation. It can profoundly influence how a person sees themselves, relates to others, and organizes their life.

When Our Needs and Vulnerabilities Become Sources of Shame

One aspect that particularly interests me in working with shame is how certain needs, emotions, and personal characteristics come to be experienced as unacceptable.

How does someone come to feel ashamed of needing affection, closeness, or support, or of being vulnerable? How do we come to believe that it is not acceptable to feel angry, sad, dependent, sensitive, or to have certain desires?

From the perspective of developmental trauma, some of these experiences can be understood in relation to the adaptations a child develops in order to maintain connection with the people on whom they depend.

For example, a child who needs closeness and affection but repeatedly encounters emotional unavailability, rejection, or criticism may experience not only the pain of not receiving what they need, but also shame about having that need in the first place. Over time, they may stop asking, inhibit their desire for closeness, or convince themselves that they do not need anyone.

In adulthood, this adaptation may take the form of pronounced independence. The person may become highly capable of managing on their own, rarely ask for support, and organize their life in ways that minimize dependence on others. Independence may even become an important part of their identity, a quality they value and take pride in.

Yet beneath this positive identification, there may also be vulnerability: needing someone was once painful, and dependence became associated with weakness, humiliation, or rejection. What appears on the surface to be a resource may therefore, in certain circumstances, also serve to protect the person from a difficult emotional experience.

This does not mean that independence is problematic or that every autonomous person is hiding shame related to dependence. The question is how much freedom we have in relation to our own strategies.

Can I manage on my own and also ask for help when I need it? Can I be autonomous while allowing someone else to be there for me? Or does the experience of depending on others create so much discomfort that I constantly try to avoid it?

A similar process can occur in relation to expressing our desires and boundaries. A child who learns that asserting their own will leads to criticism, conflict, or withdrawal of affection may begin to suppress their needs in order to preserve the relationship.

In adulthood, they may become highly attentive to others, available, responsible, and concerned about not disappointing anyone. At the same time, when they try to say “no,” choose something for themselves, or express dissatisfaction, intense guilt may arise.

Not necessarily because they have done anything wrong, but because asserting themselves was associated in the past with the risk of losing closeness or acceptance.

In other situations, a person may come to feel ashamed of their sensitivity, anger, need for rest, or inability to always manage every responsibility.

Someone who has learned that their worth depends on competence and achievement may become highly persistent, demanding of themselves, and responsible. Yet an ordinary mistake may be experienced as a significant threat to their sense of worth.

In the NARM (NeuroAffective Relational Model) approach, developed by Laurence Heller, these processes are explored partly through the relationship between negative shame-based identifications and positive identifications that may develop around strategies used to cope with early experiences.

I find this perspective relevant because it invites us to look at certain behaviors not only in terms of their current benefits or difficulties, but also in terms of the function they once served in our lives.

Sometimes what we call strength, independence, responsibility, or perfectionism may represent both a genuine resource and a way of avoiding emotional experiences we have learned to consider unacceptable.

This is why I do not think it is enough to ask which behaviors we should change. It is also important to understand what we are trying to protect through them, which needs have remained unexpressed, and what becomes difficult to experience when we begin to let go of these strategies.

Shame Does Not Always Look Like Shame

When we think of shame, we often imagine someone lowering their gaze, hanging their head, withdrawing, becoming quiet, or trying not to attract attention. Yet shame can manifest in very different ways.

Sometimes a person who feels criticized, exposed, or devalued may react with anger, defensiveness, irony, or contempt. Rather than recognizing the vulnerability associated with shame, they may attempt to restore a sense of power and control by attacking or devaluing the other person.

For example, someone receiving critical feedback may immediately respond with accusations or attempts to prove that the other person is wrong. Someone else may withdraw, avoid contact, or begin to criticize themselves intensely.

Donald Nathanson, an American psychiatrist and researcher, developed one of the most interesting theories of shame. One of his central ideas is that shame is not merely a painful emotion, but an affect that can organize how we relate to ourselves, to others, and to our relationships.

He described four common defensive responses to shame, known as the Compass of Shame:

1. Withdrawal: The person hides, isolates themselves, avoids eye contact, or withdraws from situations in which they might feel exposed. Shame is consciously experienced, and withdrawal serves as protection against further exposure.
2. Avoidance: The person attempts to escape the feeling of shame through distraction, denial, substance use, compulsive behaviors, or other ways of distancing themselves from the affect.
3. Attack Self: Shame is directed against the self through self-criticism, self-devaluation, submission, or feelings of inferiority. The person may accept an inferior position in order to preserve a relationship.
4. Attack Other: Shame is transformed into hostility, contempt, anger, or blaming others. The person attempts to regain a sense of power by diminishing someone else.

These reactions may look very different, yet they can sometimes serve a similar function: protecting us from an experience of shame that is difficult to tolerate. The same person may use all four strategies in different contexts, or even within the same interaction.

For example, a child excitedly runs toward a parent to show them something, only to be ignored or rejected. The child may suddenly move from excitement and a desire for connection into shame.

This perspective is important because it suggests that shame does not arise only when we have done something wrong. It can emerge precisely in moments when we want to be seen, accepted, loved, or when we wish to share something meaningful.

Shame is therefore closely connected to attachment, belonging, and the vulnerability involved in allowing ourselves to be seen by others.

Nathanson also makes an important distinction between the affect of shame—the immediate biological response, which may involve lowering the gaze, reduced muscle tone, blushing, and interruption of contact; the experience of shame—how a person interprets what has just happened in light of their history; and shame scripts—learned and repeated patterns through which a person anticipates, interprets, and responds to similar situations.

At the same time, shame is not always the emotion of which a person is consciously aware. Nathanson also describes a kind of cognitive shock: when shame is activated, the ability to think clearly may be temporarily disrupted.

For example, an adult may react disproportionately to a relatively neutral comment because it activates an entire internal script of humiliation or inadequacy.

It is worth remembering that shame is universal, but difficulties tend to arise particularly when defensive scripts become rigid and prevent a person from recognizing, understanding, and integrating the experience.

Human experience is complex, and sometimes beneath shame we may find sadness, pain, helplessness, or anger. At other times, shame arises in response to another emotion: we feel ashamed of being sad, afraid, jealous, or of having certain desires.

For example, someone may feel sad because they are not receiving the closeness they need, but may then become ashamed of having that need. Over time, shame may become more accessible than the original pain, and the person may begin criticizing themselves for being “too sensitive” or “too dependent.”

In other situations, anger may arise very quickly when someone feels criticized, without shame being consciously recognized.

However, not all anger conceals shame, just as not every defensive behavior represents an attempt to avoid vulnerability. It is important to remain curious about a person's experience rather than turning psychological explanations into rigid interpretations.

Shame, the Body, and the Experience of Exposure

Shame is not merely a belief or a negative evaluation of ourselves. It is also an emotional and bodily experience.

When we experience shame, we do not simply think that we are inferior, inadequate, or exposed. We may also feel this sense of shrinking, vulnerability, or threat in our bodies.

In body-oriented psychotherapy, these manifestations can offer important information about how someone is experiencing a situation and how they are attempting to regulate themselves.

For example, someone may speak about an experience of humiliation in an apparently detached way while simultaneously contracting their shoulders, holding their breath, or lowering their gaze. Another person may notice becoming tense when receiving attention or appreciation, even when it is positive.

In such situations, exploration is not limited to what the person thinks about themselves. We can also become curious about what they feel, the impulses that arise, and what becomes difficult to tolerate in contact with another person.

However, working with shame requires considerable sensitivity. Sometimes, being invited to observe our experience or remain in contact with an emotion can intensify the feeling of exposure.

This is why pacing, choice, and relational safety are important.

Change may begin with the possibility of noticing a subtle reaction, acknowledging it without judgment, and discovering that we can remain in contact with our experience without immediately needing to hide it.

The Possibility of Being Seen Without Being Shamed

One of the particular characteristics of shame is that it can lead us to hide precisely those aspects of our experience that need to be understood.

We may hide our vulnerabilities, needs, emotions, mistakes, or certain life experiences out of fear that, if others knew about them, they would judge, reject, or consider us inferior.

At the same time, this tendency to hide can contribute to maintaining shame. We remain alone with our beliefs about ourselves and have fewer opportunities to discover that what we consider unacceptable may be received differently by others.

This is why sharing an experience of shame within a sufficiently safe relationship, where we are met with empathy, curiosity, and respect, can represent an important step in the process of change.

This does not mean that simply disclosing an experience automatically leads to healing. The relationship, the person's pace, and how the experience is received all matter.

In psychotherapy, working with shame often involves exploring the experiences through which certain representations of the self were formed, as well as how these representations continue to influence present-day relationships.

Sometimes shame may emerge within the therapeutic relationship itself. A person may fear that the therapist will judge them, be disappointed in them, or that certain experiences are too shameful to share.

At other times, a well-intentioned question or intervention may activate the experience of being negatively evaluated.In these moments, I find it important to remain curious about what is happening, without rushing to explain, correct, or eliminate the experience. It is not enough to tell someone that they have no reason to feel ashamed. Often, they already know, at a rational level, that they have done nothing wrong. And yet, the shame remains.

Change may involve repeated experiences in which a person discovers that they can bring aspects of themselves into a relationship that they previously kept hidden, and that these aspects can be met without criticism, contempt, or humiliation.

At the same time, it is important to understand the function that shame, and the strategies developed to avoid it, have served in our lives.

Sometimes what limits us today once represented a way of protecting ourselves, maintaining an important relationship, or coping with an experience for which we did not have sufficient resources.

This understanding does not mean justifying every behavior or avoiding responsibility. It can, however, help us relate with greater curiosity and less judgment to the aspects of ourselves we have learned to reject.

Beyond Shame and Guilt

Shame and guilt are part of the human experience. I do not believe it is possible or necessary to eliminate them completely.

Guilt can help us recognize the consequences of our actions, take responsibility, and repair relationships when possible. Shame can make us sensitive to how we are perceived and to the importance of belonging.

However, when shame becomes persistent and begins to profoundly influence our identity, it can limit our freedom to express ourselves, connect with others, and remain in contact with certain aspects of our own experience.

I believe one of the important distinctions is between what we experience, what we do, and who we are.

We can feel shame without allowing it to define us. We can feel guilt without being responsible for everything that happens around us. We can acknowledge that we have made a mistake without concluding that we are fundamentally flawed.

At the same time, we can begin to question whether certain aspects of ourselves that we feel ashamed of are truly unacceptable, or whether we have learned, within particular relationships and contexts, that it is not okay to have, feel, or express them.

Sometimes we come to feel ashamed of deeply human aspects of ourselves: our need for closeness, our vulnerability, our dependence on others, our limitations, our desires, or the fact that we are not perfect.

And what we try to hide or change about ourselves may sometimes be precisely a part of our experience that needs to be acknowledged and understood.

I do not believe the goal is to reach a point where we never feel shame again, but rather to become less defined and limited by it.

Returning to the distinction with which I began, between “I made a mistake” and “There is something wrong with me,” I believe it is important to be able to recognize and take responsibility for our mistakes without allowing them to become a measure of our worth as people.

At the same time, we can become curious about those aspects of our experience that we have learned to consider shameful or unacceptable. And an important part of the process of change lies precisely in this possibility: to take responsibility for what we do without rejecting ourselves for who we are.