The Healing Dance Between Connection and Solitude

In my therapeutic work—and in my own inner journey—I have noticed a deeply human tendency: the conscious choice to withdraw, to seek solitude at certain stages of healing, recovery from trauma, or reconnection with oneself.

Sometimes this withdrawal is not about avoidance, but about a lucid kind of pain: the dawning realization that some relationships cannot transform, and that familiar dynamics may, in fact, harm us. Staying in those spaces—remaining in contact without reciprocity, without room for authenticity—can feel like too high a price: the gradual abandonment of who we truly are.

I have often seen how sincere attempts to set boundaries, express needs, or recalibrate a relationship are met with refusal, misunderstanding, or outright rejection. At other times, the desire for connection is very present, yet safe and nourishing relationships feel difficult to find or sustain.

This is an invitation to reflect:

How do we navigate the space between our longing for closeness and our need for protection?
How can we honor both our need for connection and our need to remain true to ourselves?

The Need for Both Solitude and Connection

In healing from trauma, finding balance between time with ourselves and time with others is essential. We need moments of stillness, reflection, and reconnection—to our bodies, to our emotions, to who we are beyond our wounds.

Meditation, time in nature, conscious solitude, and cultivating well-being in our own company are ways we strengthen our inner resources and learn to feel at home with ourselves.

At the same time, relationships play a profound role in emotional and neurobiological recovery. Polyvagal Theory, developed by Stephen Porges, shows us that we are biologically wired for connection: the Social Engagement System—which regulates vagal tone, facial expression, voice, and listening—activates only in conditions of safety.

For those who have experienced relational trauma or lacked secure attachment, connection can be an ambiguous territory: deeply longed for, yet also perceived as threatening. As Laurence Heller, author of Healing Developmental Trauma, says: “Connection: our deepest desire and our greatest fear.” Developmental trauma affects our capacity to stay present and connected in relationships, especially when differences, discomfort, or misunderstandings arise.

When Connection Feels Overwhelming

From a neurophysiological perspective, people with a history of severe early trauma may have a low threshold for relational stimulation and can easily shift into hyperarousal (fight/flight) or hypoarousal (freeze/collapse)—even in relationships that are objectively safe.

Under these conditions, relationships—even well-intentioned ones—can become overwhelming. Social overstimulation may trigger withdrawal, isolation, avoidance, or protective patterns such as minimizing needs, emotional shutdown, or the fawn response (over-adapting to maintain the bond). While these responses were once survival strategies, they can keep the nervous system in a state of hypervigilance or dissociation.

It becomes a subtle dance between the longing for connection and the need for protection. The question “How much can I connect without losing myself?” is central for many on the healing path. Relationships are no longer neutral spaces—they are environments in which the body constantly scans for signals of danger or safety, a process Porges calls neuroception.

The Possibility of Healing in Relationship

The good news is that interpersonal neurobiology shows us that the nervous system can heal in relationship—not in every relationship, but in those where there is mutual regulation, empathy, attunement, presence, and permission to be vulnerable.

In a safe environment—whether in therapy or in an authentic connection—the nervous system gradually learns that closeness does not mean danger, that self-expression does not lead to abandonment, and that conflict can exist without resulting in permanent rupture.

Healing also means listening to yourself with gentleness:

• When do you need solitude to find your center?
• When does fear of rejection or abandonment cause you to pull away?
• When are you ready to stay a little longer in contact, even if discomfort arises?

This is not about forcing connection or staying in relationships that are not nourishing. It is about learning to navigate between the impulse to flee and the desire to be close. About finding your own rhythm. About having the courage to stay with yourself in relationship—without abandoning yourself.

An Invitation to Self-Reflection

What signals does your body give you when a relationship feels like “too much”

When do you feel most authentic in the presence of others?

What does a safe relational space look like for you?

How much of your withdrawal is about protection, and how much is about the absence of relationships that truly support you?

Perhaps you don’t need to force connection. Perhaps the first step is recognizing your own pace. Learning what a safe relationship feels like for you. Allowing yourself to protect your boundaries while staying open.

Because yes, connection carries risk—but it is also the place where we can rediscover our vitality, our sense of belonging, and our hope.

References

Heller, L., & LaPierre, A. (2012). Healing Developmental Trauma: How Early Trauma Affects Self-Regulation, Self-Image, and the Capacity for Relationship. North Atlantic Books.

Ogden, P., Minton, K., & Pain, C. (2006). Trauma and the Body: A Sensorimotor Approach to Psychotherapy. W. W. Norton & Company.

Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.

Flores, P. J., & Badenoch, B. (Eds.). (2020). The Interpersonal Neurobiology of Group Psychotherapy and Group Process. American Group Psychotherapy Association.